Greetings! If you’re here, you’re probably either lost (likely) - or, you want to write for our little home here at r1ft.com. (less likely) Countless other reasons could have brought you here also, like trying to find out who the hell these people are so you can spam / flame or otherwise try and digitally assault them. That information can be found on the Contact page, which I’ve linked for you to save you some time.

Anyway, on to the contributing. We have a few requirements for people that want to write for us. I think you’ll find that they are mostly unoriginal and quite reasonable.

First, you must stare at this picture for no less than 10 seconds:

Great, you’ve made it this far! Doing well so far. I’m not sure what that ear thing was about. Kinda creepy.

Now that you’ve passed the picture test, you should meet the following non-racially motivated requirements.

1. Must be able to write and communicate yourself in a clear way, preferably in English.

2. Must be able to write at least one post / article per… oh, whatever. No requirements here, just keep in mind that if you stop writing for a long time and become uncontactable, your author page and posts will probably be taken off the front page.

3. Though we write mainly about online gaming (serious business and all), you can choose to write within our current Categories - or, if you have an idea for a new one, we might be able to work something out.

4. Lastly, if you are female and attractive, or rich and willing to give us a lot of money, you need not meet any requirements above. You only have to e-mail us and tell us where to sign our soul.

We are an equal opportunity non-employer that provides no salary, benefits or anything honestly good for the sake of this planet. Sweet Jesus, I want to shoot myself now.

What we do offer:

1. Email address - author@r1ft.com, for example, if you want.

2. Subdomain - you can have a personal subdomain at r1ft.com - author.r1ft.com. You can put a personal page or personal blog here if you want.

3. Profit sharing - if we ever decide to sell out, either via advertising or selling Zay’s kidney on the black market, you’ll be entitled to a share equal to the amount of revenue your writing or kidnapping incurred.

If you’re still interested (less likely) - tell us why you want to write for us and send a sample of your editorial / porn material to daniel [ at ] r1ft.com. Punctuation and grammar count.

Normally this is where a site will tell you that if you don’t hear a response from us, it’s because either you suck or we’re too busy. That’s not the case here. We’re not too busy, but you might suck. If that’s the case, you’ll at least get a short e-mail telling you that you suck. It’ll probably be from Marvin, which makes it feel better.

In any case, we’ll put as much effort into replying as you do to applying. People that don’t respond to correspondence that have effort put into it are bad people. We hold no pragmatic self-absorbed feeling of our time being any more valuable than yours.

Rant off, thanks for taking the time to read. Good luck with the application.